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Off the Beaten Path

05/30/06

Movies, movies, movies, I went to see the movies. On my editor's suggestion, this weeks review is of X-Men 3, The Last Stand, Superman Returns, and Ghost Rider, (I know Ghost Rider, and Superman are not out yet, I did view the extended trailers). I chose to take his suggestion (since he does write the checks, I listen once in a while) and offer my opinion on the summer's biggest comic themed blockbusters. I call this column 'Here comes the…' As always…enjoy.

Title- X-Men 3 The Last Stand

The Basics- Loosely based on the comic book, I say loosely since the characters really only resemble the originals in name, and name only, this movie is about the 'Dark Phoenix Saga' and 'Magneto's Last Stand' storyline (I do not know the correct title of the Magneto story arc) smashed together into 2 hours of SUCK! First off, I threw out every good thing I have ever known or read about the X-Men, to be subjective, this is supposed to be a vehicle unto itself, think alternate universe. With that in mind, I had many questions and criticisms. First off, we meet Wolverine, if you don't follow comic books, then you would have been a little confused at much of the dialogue aimed at him, because it referenced his sordid past, a past which was covered slightly, very slightly in X-Men 2, the references however seem to speak of the comic book Wolverine, consequently these 'jabs' and quips which I can only guess where aimed at irony and character development, flew over the average moviegoer's head, a very bad move. Second "When did Wolverine become such a pussy?" He was a crying, blubbering, ball less shell of a mutant. Where was the 'badass' we knew from the 2nd movie? Even if you don't read comic books, you know that he s supposed to be the baddest of the bad. Instead, we see him pouting, getting his ass beat by every low level mutant conceived and generally being a pussy. Third, at one point a character dies (I will let you find out who dies and lives on your own) and I leaned over to my buddy and said "why did they kill ____?" His reply, "I think it was cheaper to kill them off than to pay them for the movie." Generally when a person dies in a movie, it is to drive the story forward, create conflict, and build the climax. The deaths in this film where meaningless, they did not build the characters who did the killing and only served to provide shock value. Not to mention, one death in particular is never even explained! At another point, a huge moral dilemma is building up, instead of exploring (and based upon the character development at this timeline in the movie) the characters feelings, creating conflict and not to mention an interesting plot point, it is glossed over, with no reasoning, or resolution of said dilemma.

The Verdict- Here comes the BAD! This movie was one of the worst written pieces of crap to come out in a long line of worthless comic to movie adaptations. I say, go see it; after you've watched a good move, sneak into this one, you won't be disappointed if it's free.

*** One Last Note: Make sure you stay til after the credits for a special surprise ending

Title- Superman Returns

The Basics- The extended trailer played, the audience went quite, we see Lex Luthor, Lois Lane?, and then Superman…Could a movie look any worse than this? I don't think so! Every fiber of my being wanted this to be a great movie, Brian Singer writing, a relatively unknown playing Superman (so the actor would not overshadow the movie, a good move) Kevin Spacey (one of the best actors in the game, I believe) and a new storyline. What more could I ask for? How bout a script worth reading? Did the actors read this crap before they agreed to take the roles? The only thing that looks good is Kevin Spacey, and the special effects, which I might add, overshadow the movie completely. Other than those 2 things, this movie looks terrible!

The Verdict- Here Comes the SUCK!

Title- Ghost Rider

The Basics- Nicholas Cage, and a bunch of other actors, some director and writer, yadda, yadda, yadda. Visually it is impressive, if you followed the Ghostrider mini series this year, you will be happy to know, the CGI and Computer effects look identical to the art in the mini series, IDENTCAL! Which is to say, the art is amazing, the book was completely drawn on the computer (layouts, pencils, inks, and colors) and I think the same process was used in the movie, possibly the same artist. The storyline is the basic origin of Ghostrider, Johnny Blaze's deal to save his best friend and the whole double cross/consequences thing. Pretty standard fare, not the greatest story, not the worst one either. Nicholas Cage made the right move jumping from Superman to Ghostrider. Without Tim Burton, he would have been horrible as The Man of Steel. With his cocksure attitude, he fits into the Johnny Blaze character nicely.

The Verdict- Here comes the Good! This one looks visually stunning, worth watching on the big screen, just don't expect great acting or an interesting storyline.

05/26/06

IIIIIII'mmmmmmm back, -'been a long time since we first got down, but I'm still here making these funky sounds'- (tell me who sang these lyrics, and maybe you'll win something-you must be able to pick it up from the store). I'm really excited about my upcoming columns - they will include an interview with and review of Jeff Amano's newest book 'The Cobbler's Monster' from Beckett Comics/Image, closely followed by my interview with and review of Sean Patrick O'Reilly's newly revamped 'Kade' from Arcana Studios! Onto this week's column, titled 'Vampires, Jesus and Santa…OH my!' Naturally it is chock full of comic goodness…just like granma used to make, eat well mijo, eat well, and as always…enjoy.

Title-Bite Club

The Basics- Howard Chaykin (a fan favorite) brings back his classic for a second (or is this his 3rd) go round, with a new story and some old characters. Risa Del Torro, our resident vamp fatale, and Detective Paco Macavoy, our resident love bitten cop, are the main characters, in the middle of a vampire/gangland murder mystery…full of intrigue, double crossing, sex, VAMPIRE SEX, corruption and some very devious characters. In the first issue we are introduced to the main players and the plot, which centers around the strikingly evil and sexy vampire Risa Del Toro. As the story progresses, we the reader are left with the sense that many of the good guys are actually bad guys and the bad guys are actually very, very evil.

The Art- This is a unique book, based upon the use of hues in each section to set tone; the character and background art is adequate, however what sets this book apart is each new portion of the story is drawn and then colored in the same hues - an example would be when we first meet Risa Del Torro, she is kicking ass and the entire arc is done in hues of red. Or when she is questioned at the station, her exchanges with the captain are all done in shades of blue, ice cold blue. Overall it is a very interesting technique, which helps move the story along nicely.

The Verdict- Just like I like my comics, full of death, vampires, sex, and VAMPIRE SEX. The intrigue, backstabbing and overall bad habits of every character keeps this one moving fast and fun.

Title-The Last Christmas

The Basics- Co written by Comedian Brian Posehn of Mr. Show and New Radio fame, this incoherent mishmash of horror and comedy/action is wrong on so many levels, wrong and at the same time so, so right! The jist is, the world has succumbed to nuclear armageddon, with a majority of humanity turned into mutated monsters, the survivors are a mix of regular folk and marauders and the latter is only out to take and inflict pain. Santa, at his home in the North Pole, sits back and watches the world go to hell, and does what he does best, delivers toys to the good girls and boys…until the North Pole is attacked and the unmentionable happens. Santa Claus snaps, and brings his own brand of vigilante justice, the kind only a jolly white man in a red suit riding a sleigh pulled by a reindeer with a red nose can bring - did I mention the Jack Daniels or the numerous suicide attempts? How bout the foul mouthed, hard-hitting elves? No on that too? Well I can't give it all away.

The Art- Honestly your not reading this one for the art, are you? I hope not, you can only draw elves skewered with candy canes, and reindeer being cooked on an open fire so well, before it becomes cliché. With that said, the art is about as serious as the story, which to say is it's fun.

The Verdict- Santa clause carrying an Ak-47, drinking Jack Daniels right out of the bottle and elves stabbed to death with candy canes, this is what Christmas was meant to be.

Title-Loaded Bible, Jesus vs.Vampires

The Basics- Jesus vs. the f23king Vampires! Yes that's what the title says, I know, I couldn't believe it either, my wildest dreams have come true, son of god, fighting vampires, how do you go wrong? Does this book poke fun at religion, of course, is it blasphemous... No, is it witty tongue in cheek and a direct attack on 'organized religion' (organized religion being the money grubbing churches found in every major, and minor faith)? YES! The story is cut and dry, the messiah comes back to kick ass on vampires, okay it couldn't be that easy, there is some cloning, sex, propaganda, and good ol' evangelicalism too. You might recognize Tim Seeley from Hack/Slash, or rather his recent hiatus from said book, which is due to his work on other projects, this being one of them. Tim is always fun, and usually unique in his storytelling, this book is no different, and certainly delivers... delivers what? I'm not sure either.

The Art- Let's start with the cover, it is amazing. Jesus (presumably on the cross) head hung down, and two striking bite marks bleeding from his neck, all done in black and white except for the blood. The characters are kind of 'blocky', without much detail - I got the feeling the art was supposed to be glanced at in passing as you become enthralled in the story. It feels like 'Ren and Stimpy, meets Samurai Jack', not bad, not great. I like both of those cartoons, so that says something.

The Verdict- I ask you "What would Jesus do?" In this case, kick ass and take names, then he would pick up this book and bless it. If Jesus would read it so should you.